LunaTriste (narcissisticelf) wrote in hurtgirls,

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Defense Mechinism

I was just reading a little of xhurtxgirlx's lj and I was amazed at everything you can remember. Most of the memories I have are from about the age of 14 and up. I've lost about 14 years of my life. I've been told before that it's my defense mechinism, or the way I subconciously deal with everything that's going on around me. I mean, for all I know, I was probably molested when I was 2 because my mom used to have my grandparents babysit. I know that sounds odd, but my mom is a victim of incest by my grandfather. I don't remember my dad going through rehab the first time, I don't remember my dad leaving my mom for another woman on my 13th birthday....All I have are pictures and people to tell me what happened. I look at the pictures of me as a child, and I don't know that little girl. She won't know what a piece of shit her dad is, that she'll have commitment issues, that she'll have to live in fear for 3 years of her life, that she'll hate someone so much that she can hardly live. I hate what my life has brought me. Sometimes I really wish I had the guts to go just a little deeper. I don't believe in "God," I don't believe in Heaven. I honestly don't think I could believe in such a being that would allow a child to lose majority of her childhood. The time that is supposed to be the best time of your life. I do believe in "Hell." How can I not? Ugh...I'm sorry for this long ass post. Just got to thinking....
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